“Englisch Brot ist scheiße!”

(…auf Deutsch lesen) It’s been almost a month since I left Leipzig to return to England. What, you may ask, am I missing the most about your wonderful city? Is it the beautiful parks that are as stunning in the snow as they are in the sun? No. Is it the wonderful people who made my stay so joyful? No. Is it the great bars that sell good beer at cheap prices? No. As an Englishman, it is painful for me to say this – but what I miss most is the bread.

column written by Pete Clubb

When I first arrived I was very sceptical of German baking, despite every German being incredibly proud of it. My mother had always taught me to never eat anything that could be used to break windows, and so rock hard breads were quite a shock. Having no alternative, however, I tucked in to the vast variety of loafs available. At the time I complained bitterly to all my German friends. “It’s like eating a brick!”, I said, “I could build a house with it!” I couldn’t comprehend why it was so heavy, so filling and had so many flavours. And there were so many varieties! I even bought a loaf that was made of potatoes…


In England, the bread is plain, light and boring. This is because the fillings are full of taste and substance. If any of you have eaten marmite, you’ll know what I mean. If you haven’t I recommend you go out and try it… although I must admit that no German I gave it too was particularly impressed. While I was in Leipzig, I proudly thought to myself that the English had invented the sandwich, and so we knew how to do it best – boring bread and great filling. All the time I was there I kept telling myself that the Englishman’s way of eating bread the best, and you German’s simply didn’t know what you were doing. That was until I got home.

I bought my first English loaf of bread since returning a few weeks ago. I made the mistake of putting 2 litres of milk on top of it. By the time I had got it home, a loaf that was the size of large brick in the shop had been squashed into the shape of a flat pebble. Then I tasted it. It was, in a word, awful. I hadn’t put enough filling into it, and so had to eat lots of the bread on its own. I could barely stomach it – it was so tasteless and dry and squidgy. It was then I had a sudden epiphany. Just because the filling is tasty, it’s no excuse for the bread to be plain and boring! I remembered my sandwiches of marmite on German bread. They had it all! I wondrously tasty bread, with a magically tasty filling. All was for the best in that best of all possible sandwiches.

And now I have a big problem. There are no Germany bakeries in England, and yet I lay awake at night dreaming of your bread. All I have is this horrible stuff, and now eating a sandwich here fills me with horror. I’ve tried every different type of bread I can find, and they all suffer from the same problems. What can I do!?

So now, the citizens of Leipzig, I am begging you to come to England and teach us how to bake bread. You will meet some resistance at first I am sure, as our sandwich habits are deeply ingrained. But keep going! We need your bakeries! And unless you do this for me, I am doomed to a lifetime of unfulfilling sandwiches, no matter how good the filling is.

Veröffentlicht unter: Clubb-Gedanken, Peter Clubb, Weg · Etiketten: , ,

3 Antworten zu "“Englisch Brot ist scheiße!”"

  1. [...] (… auf Englisch lesen) Es ist fast ein Monat her, seit ich Leipzig verlassen habe um nach England zurück zu kehren. Ihr werdet euch vielleicht fragen, was ich am meisten an dieser wundervollen Stadt vermisse. Sind es die wunderschönen Parks, welche sowohl im Schnee als auch in der Sonne atemberaubend sind? Nein. Sind es die wundervollen Menschen, die meinen Aufenthalt so angenehm machten? Nein. Sind es diese großartigen Kneipen, die gutes Bier zu günstigen Preisen verkaufen? Nein. Als Engländer ist schmerzhaft dies zu sagen aber – Es ist das Brot, welches ich am meisten vermisse. [...]

  2. Ronja sagt:

    I’ll tell you what to do! Come flippin’ back here!
    Or why don’t you open your own German bakery in England? It could be called something like “Pete’s bread” :)
    Oh, and by the way: Marmite is only being appreciated by people who were raised on it ;)

  3. Horatiorama sagt:

    You can, of course, have Amazon send you some German Backmischungen and do it yourself. ;-) Or you can console yourself with the knowledge that you can buy crumpets whenever you like to (Lucky you!). And once you are buying these crumpets at Asquith Dairies’ why don’t you take some German bread as well (they used to sell it)…

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